


Dear Diary. Go. F*ck Yourself.

by Treebros_Intensifies



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor was edgy, Evan was anxious, I can’t tag, M/M, More of a journal entry type story, Not Anymore, Swearing, The author doesn’t know what the cockadoodletweet they’re doing, Zoe wants to get to the bottom of this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:46:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 4,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25412605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Treebros_Intensifies/pseuds/Treebros_Intensifies
Summary: Dear Diary. Go. Fuck. Yourself.Connor locked in himself in his room. It had been pretty much week. Today, he came out of it.I don’t know what’s scarier: his change, or Evan’s.If any higher up is listening, care to fucking explain this?
Relationships: Alana Beck & Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy (Kind of), Miguel (Dear Evan Hansen) & Connor Murphy, Miguel/Connor Murphy (Formerly)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 42





	1. 10/02/17

Dear Diary,

My brother came home and locked himself in his room yesterday. He hasn’t left it yet. This is like him, skipping meals and barricading himself in his room to skip school. I’ll keep this updated as much as I can. Or if there are any updates on Connor’s... state.

-Zoe


	2. 10/04/17

Dear Diary, 

I’ll probably stop using the whole ‘Dear Diary’ thing. It makes me feel like a little kid. Anyways, Connor is still in his room, and I’m actually starting to wonder if he’s dead. If he is, I’m not smelling a body decomposing. I should tomorrow or so. 

I wonder how Larry and Cynthia would react if they did find out he was dead? Well, we all know he’s unstable... hm. 

I’ll still update on this weird turn of events relating to Connor.

-Zoe


	3. 10/04/17 UPDATE ON WHATEVER’S HAPPENING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minor TW for smoking mention

Dear Diary,

After some deliberation on a new opening, I concluded that ‘Dear Diary’ is the only opener that doesn’t sound like I’m running experiments on a dead body, so I’ll continue to use it.

ANYWAYS, I can confirm, Connor Murphy is not dead. I heard him punching something in his room (probably a wall). I want to know how long he’ll go without food and water, because he is on his third(?) day of not leaving his room. 

I wonder what he’s up to. I also haven’t smelled cigarette smoke since he went in. Whatever he’s doing, it surprisingly isn’t drugs.

-Zoe


	4. 10/04/17 MORE UPDATES ON CONNOR WOW HE’S ACTUALLY DOING STUFF

Journal Entry: 4

Here, we have a wild Connor Murphy, taking the entire jug of milk out of the fridge, chugging it, and putting the empty jug back. Wild Connors usually flip you off while you watch them finish off the milk, but strangely, this specimen hasn’t. 

The Connor Murphy heads back upstairs without a word, much to the researcher’s confusion.

At least he had something to drink before he died of dehydration. 

—Wildlife Researcher Zoe


	5. 10/04/17 It’s Dinner, and There’s No Sign of Connor

Dear Diary,

I would have guessed milk isn’t very filling, but it seems it’s enough for my brother. Larry and Cynthia are talking about him, and his weird behaviour. I have also gotten a message from Jared saying Evan isn’t responding to any of his messages (though I can’t blame him, Kleinman is exhausting).

I can’t help but wonder if maybe these events are related somehow? It’s probably just a stupid coincidence. But evidence is there... I should try messaging Evan. Or maybe his mom? No that’s weird. I’ll try contacting Evan.

Shit. Larry’s looking at me, and is probably trying to read what I’m writing. (There’s almost no privacy in this house)

-Zoe


	6. 10/04/17 Report on One, Evan Hansen

The fucker left me on read.  
He.  
Left.  
Me.  
On.  
Read.

Ahem, staying professional.

I asked Jared about it, and he said Evan did respond…by telling him that he needed a break from Jared, and blocking him. From what I could tell when he (Hansen) and Connor were working on that project together here when they were in…Freshman year? He would apologize for the _smallest_ things. I don’t think it’s in his nature to block a close family friend like he did to Jared. 

...

Now, for Connor…I can’t say for sure, as it’s only been three days since his decision to live in his room, and only his room…I can’t say I’ve noticed _too_ many changes.

Other than this small thing. As written about earlier, he didn’t flip me off (or even glare at me, for that matter) when I observed him finishing off the milk. 

Something isn’t right with that. Normally he’d demand to know why I was watching, and tell me that, “No he’s not fucking high”. 

Trying to be not creepy in observing minor behavioural changes with my even more freaky than normal brother,

-Zoe


	7. 10/05/17

Dear Diary,

What the fuck is happening anymore.   
Last night, I could hear singing from Connor’s room. And he’s suddenly weirdly good? 

Like, he was riffing, holding straight notes with the duration of someone who should be on Broadway, and his voice only broke like, twice??? 

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE

WHY IS HE SUDDENLY ALMOST FLAWLESS. WHY, THIS MORNING, DID I FIND A NOTE UNDER MY DOOR FROM HIM SAYING TO CHECK MY BACKPACK?? AND WHY, WHEN I DID CHECK MY BACKPACK DID I FIND TWO FIFTY DOLLAR GIFT CARDS FOR THE WAFFLE HOUSE???? (I mean, they’re probably empty, but…also how the fuck did he get into my room without waking me up??)

WHAT. THE FUCK. IS HAPPENING. TO. CONNOR. 

Trying so desperately not to pass out because, seriously, why is this shit happening?

-Zoe


	8. 10/05/17 The Waffle House Hypothesis Pt. 1

Dear Diary,

To see if the cards actually have money on them, and because Evan apparently told someone to “kindly fuck off”, I invited Jared, Alana, and Miguel (a friend of my brother’s from Hanover who I found/contacted through Instagram) to the Waffle House.  
I told them it was urgent, and relating to their friends. 

Out of all of them, the one who I know the least about, Miguel, seemed the most worried. (I kind of don’t think he and Connor were friends, in all honesty)

I’ll take notes during the conversation, see if we draw any conclusions. And if the cards have money on them. 

Slightly worried, but maybe just an idiot,

Zoe


	9. 10/05/17 The Waffle House Hypothesis Pt. 2

The Waffle House Meeting Group:  
Me, Alana, Jared, and Miguel.

What we’re discussing:  
Connor’s strange behaviour, and Evan’s sudden and unfiltered confidence.

(We order some drinks before we start, of course.)

———

Jared has printouts of all of his and Evan’s conversations, we all take some to read through

-This confidence shows up in no other message chain or audio recording (it’s weird Jared records his and Ev’s conversations.)

-Jared has the screenshot from someone’s phone of Evan telling them to “kindly fuck off” (It might be doctored, but some gut feeling tells me it isn’t)

-We all know this isn’t Evan.

Alana wrote her own notes from the time they were waiting for me (I dunno if that’s passive aggressive or not. I’m not offended.)

-Connor’s tumblr has a new look (I didn’t know he used tumblr—)

-A blurry photo she managed to snag from the fUCKING CITY HALL (It’s of someone who might be Evan, judging by the polo and lighter colored pants in an alleyway with some suspicious character)

-I still want to know how she got that photo, so I’ll ask her a bit later

And Miguel has a comparison between messages from Connor that were from last night at four am, and messages from him several months ago.

-The typing style is different (he uses proper punctuation in the more recent ones, and a sparkle emoji next to a message that he wants to cry)

I have the note from Connor, and the fact that Evan left me on read. Out of all of our evidence, mine is the weakest. 

———

So we ended up getting some food, and the cards did money on them (that’s a big surprise). So I paid, and we made a group chat for this titled, “The Waffle House Mystery Gang” (it was Jared’s choice).

———

Signing out,

Zoe


	10. 10/06/17

Connor’s Predicament, Day 5:

I’ve actually come up with a new opener! Surprise, surprise. 

So…it’s been like, five days since Connor began inhabiting his room for what looks to be a long time… I’ve been thinking…what if he’s a butterfly? Like, a kinda demented, edgy, usually drug addicted butterfly?

I mean, this is sorta like metamorphosis. The caterpillar’ll go into a cocoon for a bit, or in my brother’s case, self-isolate for a bit, then transition into a new being. But for Connor, I’m not sure if that change will be positive or not. 

Anyways, there are too many questions for me to write down without getting carpal tunnel. A big one for me though, isn’t about Connor, but Evan. The unfiltered confidence he suddenly has. The mildly suspicious photo Alana brought to the Waffle House yesterday. 

This is a more scatterbrained entry than my usual, but I’m tired and I stayed up the entire night listening for any clues as to what Connor’s doing. I suspected he was sneaking out, and I did hear a window opening up, so I guess that’s a possibility…

Damn, I am going insane over this.

Getting some sleep in a few minutes,

Zoe


	11. 10/07/17

Dear Diary,

I didn’t end up sticking to the other one. Abbreviated, it sounds like I’m gonna do something unholy (according to Jared Kleinman) which, I’m not. Obviously. This is a curse or something.

Ahem. 

There isn't much change going on lately, which is why my other entry was just me coming up with an idea for what’s going on. Reading what my sleep-deprived brain over made me actually wonder if I was onto something. It might just be a silly hunch, but if he is changing, he might be turning into a stable, good person?

Hear me out. It’s Evan, he’s being more confident, telling Jared off and stuff. He’s starting to say something when someone is bothering him, like the instance of “Can you kindly fuck off”. Normally I’d assume he wouldn’t say anything, especially not that. “But that’s just Evan,” you say. Not really. The group chat of me, Alana, Jared, and Miguel have decided these events are most likely directly related. 

Connor’s change is just different than Evan’s. He’s constantly been told to act happier, not act up, not send kids to the ER when they insult him, so if he changes sort of like Hansen is…

Actually, that thought is kind of scary. Connor being nice would be so much different. It’d be weird to suddenly have a brother who’s all good. And, in a way, I’d kind of miss his emo self. Well, not the smoking or threatening to kill me for no fucking reason, just…I dunno. It’s stupid, and I can’t…describe it. 

Clinging to the my last thread of sanity, because what the fuck would Good-Connor be like?

Zoe


	12. 10/08/17

Dear Diary,

Cynthia and Larry are talking about Connor’s bank account. Apparently, a fair bit of money was spent yesterday at the mall. Am I suspicious? Yes. Definitely. Why’s he going to the mall all of the sudden?? Am I going to directly ask him why? Hell no. Am I going to look at his spendings report? Yes. Yes I am. 

Waiting for my parents to leave and/or let me see the papers,

Zoe

Update:

He spent around seventy dollars at H&M, fifty at urban something or other, and thirty at romwe. And also 30 at a cosmetics place. 

What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On.

It’s like he suddenly got possessed by Aphrodite. 

If he was possessed by goddamn Aphrodite, does that mean he can make people horny?? Why am I wondering this???

—Zoe


	13. 10/09/17

Dear Diary. Go. Fuck yourself.

As anyone who’s reading my entries knows, I’ve been recording things on my brother, Connor, and Evan Hansen. Their changes and stuff. 

Both were acting off, and today, Monday, I just. What the fuck is happening anymore?

Like two days ago, Connor bought probably a lot of shit at the mall. I don’t know when, but he did. Today before school, I went downstairs as normal for a school day. And what do I find? Connor. Sitting there. Actually eating food, talking to Cynthia, and laughing. As you can imagine, I’m more than in shock. 

Then Connor notices me, and waves me over. His wHOLE DAMN VIBE HAS CHANGED. Remember how he was an edgy kid who’d punch you if you so much as breathe? Not anymore. Now his entire thing is being pastel, flowery, and non-violent. 

He dyed his hair, he bought new clothes (that’s where the money went.), and just. Doesn’t look sad. At all. No dark eye bags, no cough, and he doesn’t even SMELL like he did before. It’s like he got taken from this world by some higher up—who honestly needs to fucking explain themselves because nice Connor is kind of scary, and I’m the only one who seems to remember him for who he was before this whole thing started other than Alana, Jared, and Miguel—wiped his entire being clean, and completely recreated him. 

AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON WHEN I SAW EVAN HANSEN TODAY.

HE’S EDGY NOW. HE’S A FUCKING PUNK. HE HAS PIERCED EARS, WEARS ALMOST ALL BLACK, SMELLS A LITTLE BIT LIKE WEED, AND HIS HAIR IS ALL COOL AND CHRIS HEMSWORTH LOOKING. 

THE WEIRDEST THING, IS THAT HE AND CONNOR _GET. A-LONG._

EVAN TALKED TO ME A LITTLE BIT, AND BY TALKED I MEAN MILDLY INSULTED ME BEFORE WALKING OFF WITH CONNOR, WHO, MAGICALLY MADE A FLOWERCROWN—WHICH LIKE, SINCE FUCKING WHEN AND THEY’RE ACTING REALLY COUPLY??????

School’s over now, and the group chat is exploding. So many pings and notifications. Jared is very obviously freaking the fuck out, Alana is really confused and surprised at the least, she isn’t misspelling and writing in all caps and spamming though. Miguel is screaming about Connor’s new look, and I’m just... freaking out too. because. WHY.

WHO WHEN HOW WHY WHERE WHAT

In need of a fucking break from this magic shit and some painkillers for this massive headache, 

Zoe


	14. 10/09/17 (Well not really)

Dear Diary, 

I tested Connor. He doesn’t remember being edgy. God, I even asked Larry if he thought Connor’s change was weird. He asked me what I was talking about. He told me he’s always remembered Connor like this. Cynthia too. 

So I asked Connor if he wanted to watch a movie with me. He, more than jumped at the idea. So we settled down in his room (which also changed?? It’s been doused in pastel colors, and he has a fuckton of books. I didn’t know he read that much, though it might just be the pastel thing messing with his surroundings.) and we decided to watch CoCo. 

When I tell you he knew all the words to every song, and cried waterfalls at the end, know that I’m not joking. I decided to try with something else. We watched Happy Feet. Happy. Feet. Let that sink in. 

HE CRIED AGAIN. I asked him if he wanted to watch It. He panicked, and cried, and begged me no. From what I remember before, Connor loved that movie, and read the book, and was so impatient for the second chapter to come out. He would talk about Bill Skarsgård non-stop, and scream about how awesome Jack Dylan Grazer, Wyatt Oleff, and Sophia Lillis are. Hell, some nights he’d knock on my door and do a near-flawless Pennywise impression. Probably to scare me, but I just thought it was good acting, and still do.

It is now almost two am, and Connor fell asleep sprawled across me, and he’s still wearing his flowercrown. This is awkward, and I really want to leave, but I feel bad about leaving him because he looks happy, and I don’t completely want to leave him alone. I just...want to make sure he likes me. It’s stupid, and I’m getting tired. 

I’m sleeping in my school clothes tonight,

Zoe


	15. 10/10/17

Dear Diary, 

SO. WARNING, A HUGE-ASS CLICHE AND SOMETHING FROM THE PLOT OF A CHEESY TEEN DRAMA.

Here goes.

Connor got shoved in the halls and taunted for wearing “girly clothes”, and, let me try and describe this as best I can, gagging free. 

He got pushed, then he punched the person. But then he got ganged up on, and cried. Then Evan Hansen came to his aid, and beat the shit out of the other kids picking on Connor. I have gagged. This is not gag-free anymore. Augh. 

It’s a sight to see bullies running away in terror from a kid who, a week ago, couldn’t talk without sounding like a glitching audio player. I mean they don’t remember him being anxious or anything, but for me, it was mildly amusing. Evan got detention, but the three kids making fun of my brother had to apologize to both Connor and Evan. 

Connor later confided in me (when I say that, I mean he was crying in the back of the car the entire ride home and rambling through his sobs) that Mr Howard called him and Evan boyfriends. Something that Evan seemed greatly opposed to. 

I don’t know who to side with. I mean, Evan probably isn’t gay, so that could very well have offended him, having his sexuality assumed and all. But Connor?? Looked sad?? And just?? Cried??? A lot??????? Does the change affect sexuality?? Is Connor gay?? 

No judgement here, of course, you can’t choose who you love, really. But??? I’m curious now??? I want to ask him???? But I don’t want to pressure him into telling me anything??? I will have to wait for a get together where we play truth or dare. 

I have an idea.

That was also a ramble.

Calling my friends to maybe meet up later,

Zoe


	16. 10/10/17 They All Said Sure, and Also Celery Makes my Tongue Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Update on the author:
> 
> I’m going camping on Wednesday this week (July 29, Twenty-fucking-twenty), so I’ll try and rapid-fire the chapters leading up to Saturday.

Dear Diary,

We’re meeting up on Saturday the fourteenth, so pray to god that Connor doesn’t immediately die at the sight of Evan because right now, he still seems a little bit mad and frustrated and sad over the whole thing at school earlier,

Also celery isn’t a good snack. I can’t feel my tongue. Stupid watery vegetable fucks.

Attempting tongue revival, ft. my tongue,

Zoe


	17. 10/11/17

Dear Diary,

Evan’s sort of just, been not bothering to interact with Connor. And I feel kind of bad for him. My brother, I mean. He’s more subdued than yesterday, which…I want to comfort him but I’m still a little iffy with the whole thing?

Am I repeating myself?? Yeah. 

Would it b

And class is starting.

My tongue is no longer numb, and I now know to not eat celery,

Zoe


	18. 10/13/17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is me (The Author) going rapid fire and without a regard for actual time like normal, because....I wanted to post October 14 before I lose cell reception in about an hour and a half

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry for missing full-assfucking day, it was just really busy. Lots of jazz band rehearsals, lots of trying to not burn the fucking house down while boiling water, and plenty of homework that is forcing me to stay up really late. 

Like some of my more recent entries, I’m on the verge of passing out and I have a project due in first period which is in six hours and I barely started the research for it. (Fuck me with a god damn toothbrush—I don’t even remember the criteria for this dumb thing. Time to wing it) 

…I need to focus on the thing ‘N the thing thing right now. I’m really losing it oh my fuck-eboy Jesus.

Making more coffee because it looks like I, a delirious and hallucinating teenager with no sense of time management, am pulling an allnighter

Zoe


	19. 10/14/17 (Technically 10/15/17 but shh) Jared Eats a Bathbomb, I Get High, and Evan Breaks Connor

Forget the formality I wanna get to the good stuff right away.

I rounded up my friends: Alana, Jared, Evan (and well not completely friend, just someone I wanted to come over because he’s part of our group now), and Miguel, who all came over to mine and Connor’s place a few hours ago. Connor freaked the hell out when he saw Evan.

Evan, also, smelled like weed, just, on an unrelated note. I think he got high so he didn’t have to deal with Jared’s shit.

So we had all buckled down and watched a horror movie. It was pretty good, but the fact the alien is just an average joe in a rubber suit takes away the fear. 

But uh. Despite this fact, Connor hid under a blanket the entire time telling himself it would be okay and that we were still twenty years from the date given, and stealing popcorn when none of us were looking from under the blanket.

We then got high on some sort of gummy (well Alana didn’t, Miss Responsible over here), and, lucky me, I didn’t have to suggest truth or dare. Jared suggested it first. 

As our dumb-ass teenage selves sat down to like, probably die, Miguel said that he should play a slightly more confidential version. Jared was opposed to the idea, probably for blackmailing purposes, but he got out voted. How we played was basically the same as a normal game, but anything that happened had to be kept in the little group of friends. 

The dares were fucking brutal from the start. Like Miguel had been dared to take like three shots of vodka and drink some listerine mouth wash. (Poor guy, he’ll have such a bad ‘I-Drank-Underaged’ hang over tomorrow. Or he’ll be dead. I dunno.)

But Zoe, you may be saying. Where are your parents during this? They were at the house, right?  
Larry ran off for an out of town business thing, and Cynthia is attending her friend’s delivery. Like, giving birth delivery. So. We’ll be fine. Just some explaining tomorrow.

Then Miguel, as a way to get back at Jared, dared him to taste a bathbomb. Alana, the only sane person there (other than Connor who didn’t have _as_ many pieces of hallucinogenic gummy bears as Jared, Miguel, Evan and I did—can I say I’ve done drugs now??) said he shouldn’t eat it, because the citric acid, and the insanely high amounts of sodium would probably kill him, Jared just nibbled it. He spat it out immediately and screamed about its taste. He said it was crunchy, but it tasted really bad. So. 

Man, if we weren’t playing the slightly safer version of truth or dare, I’d totally make a meme out of Jared’s first bathbomb tasting reaction. 

(If you, dear person reading this, can’t tell I’m still quite loopy. It’s interestjng)

Some truths came out, like Miguel being gay, though Connor didn’t act surprised. I myself admitted I’m straightn’t, though I haven’t settled on a definite label like bi, or pan, or les, or ace. Connor acted surprised at that. 

Evan got dared to jump out of a tree, he did, and probably sprained his shoulder doing one of those spy-espionage-landings when he rolled to break his fall—I think Connor got a bloody nose at some point, and then, the ending of the get-together. 

HAHAHHAAAA SO

Evan got dared to make out with Connor in a closet. By Jared, obviously. Miguel and Alana both pointed out how uncomfortable Connor looked with that dare, but my brother said he was fine. They went to Connor’s room, and I can tell literally nothing happened other than what Hansen was dared to do. I mean, Connor was beet red and a spluttering mess, and Evan looked completely shaken, but whatever Jared had hoped would happen, obviously didn’t happen. 

He probably wanted them to fuck or something. I dunno. 

Uh, yeah. The rest of the night we’ll just be...coming down from our insane highs. At least mine was insane. Cause I’ve never gotten high before. Miguel has seasoned stoner vibes.

It is currently one am, Alana is occupying my bed, Miguel is occupying Connor‘s but later they’ll be sharing one, Jared’s passed out on the floor in the hallway, Evan is on the roof smoking (why’s he getting high again???), my brother is taking a shower, and I am...stoned, and about to pass out.

This is probably very a very inaccurate depiction of the night, but you get the idea,

Zoe


	20. 10/15/17 the fUCKING AFTERMATH

Dear Diary,

Last night uh, that was…interesting. Thing is I don’t remember half of it now, so whatever I wrote yesterday’ll have to do. Cynthia came home and saw the vodka out. And Jared passed out on the floor in the hallway. She reasonably freaked out and tried to shake Jared awake. But someone could do a goat-hoof tap dance around Kleinman’s head, and he wouldn’t budge. 

We had breakfast a while back and Jared is still asleep. Alana and Connor are being responsible and doing homework with each other, Evan passed out on the couch at I don’t know what time, and Miguel, like loopy me predicted, is dying from his hangover. 

An dI have a mild headache but that’s not very important. 

Today seems like it’ll be an off day for all of us. 

Still trying to wake up the Jared and not let Miguel die, 

Zoe


	21. 10/15/17 Ahahah Jared’s up

Dear Diary,

Good news? Jared Kleinman is not dead. He basically rolled onto his back and started screaming about being a goat man then jumped to his feet and devoured an entire bag of cereal. 

He’s fine.

Miguel is okay too which is a relief. He just needed a good hit to the head—which…is weird. Because. When your head is hit. You get a headache. And we used that. To cure a hangover headache. That’s kind of ironic.

Oh yeah Evan’s also up. I think he and Connor are back on okay terms.

We’re all milling around the house still. 

Starting to get a feeling of existential dread for no reason,

Zoe


	22. 10/16/17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe a tw for periods?? All us afabs have ‘em.

Dear Diary,

Halloween’s coming up. I forgot about that, because of all the, y’know, magicky voodoo body swap thing. 

School’s a bitch. 

Uhm.

Oh yeah, Connor made us a bunch of red velvet cupcakes earlier, they’re really good. 

I don’t know what else to write?

Oh yeah, uhm. I’m in desperate need of painkillers because god fuck today and this time of the month for me fuck shit ouch. Like. Can I please rip out my internal organs? Please? Can they not bleed? Thank you?? 

Dying inside, because Jesus fucking Christ I am in pAIN. AUGH. I WILL STAB SOMETHING I SWEAR TO GOd,

Zoe


End file.
